At the beginning of your relationship, this question may have seemed absurd.
Of course you were friends - perhaps your new love interest seemed like you new BEST friend!! Back then you could list off many qualities and traits of this new person in your life.
Bragging to your friends and family - gushing about how great they were… it came easily and naturally.
You probably couldn’t stop thinking about them and imaging the possibilities in this life together.
You could see the common ground between you; you laughed at each other’s jokes.
If one person really wanted to do an activity, the other easily compromised.
“Oh you want to spend the day fishing? I’d love to go” (even if you had never held a fishing rod in your life).
You were building a friendship as the foundation of your couple relationship.
As the years pass, it’s easy to get caught up in the stressors of life.
The personality quirks that seemed adorable in the beginning are now grating on your last nerve.
You may have loved his spontaneous, wild, adventurous side, and now it looks like irresponsibility. “What do you mean you took the week off work to meet up with a friend from out of town?”
Or you may have benefited from her organizational skills and now it feels overly controlling or rigid.
If you still feel like you and your partner are good friends, congratulations.
A strong friendship is key to a healthy couple relationship.
As time passes and stressors mount, it’s important to continue to prioritize the friendship.
You might ask yourself a few questions to assess your commitment to building a friendship:
1. Do I prioritize time with my partner? What evidence would my partner give for my answer?
2. Do I actively put myself in their shoes when we disagree?
3. Do I enjoy spending time with my partner as much as time with my other friends? If not, what am I willing to do about that?
4. Do I share my hopes and dreams with my partner?
5. Do I ask them to share their desires for the future with me?
When couples therapists suggest a weekly date night, it is precisely to build the friendship piece - time together, fun, and connection.
One couples therapist mentor of mine shared that what works for her and her husband, is taking turns planning and inviting each other on a date. When it’s her week, she invites him to do something she loves. They might go to the symphony or a play. They eat at a restaurant of her choosing. She drives them in her vehicle. The next week when it’s his turn, he invites her. He lets her know what the dress code requires. Is it a jeans and t-shirts kind of date, bathing suit and towel, or should she dress up? He drives and they do something he loves. They might be going to the beach for a picnic, or to the pickle ball court.
If you are courageous about working on your couple relationship, ask you partner:
How can I be a better friend to you?
If you need support making changes stick, I am happy to work alongside you.