Some people come to therapy to unload their current distress. It might be an awful situation, or a pattern of relationship drama that keeps repeating itself. I might see them for a few sessions and then they disappear, only to reappear months later with another problem.
In this way I seem to be a ‘misery stabilizer’. They get just enough relief that they can keep going.
Others come to therapy to gain insight into why they keep doing what they’re doing; or to gain skills to deal with a problem. In this way they are seeking growth and change.
Neither approach is wrong. You get to use your time in therapy the way you want to.
But one pattern I’ve seen in both of these approaches is a bit of magical thinking.
It goes something like this:
“Life is really hard right now and I feel miserable. Happiness is out of reach. Someday in the future, life will be much easier and then I’ll be happy.”
They may wish for a future time when they aren’t in relationship distress, or when the chaos of raising kids is done, or when they finally land their dream job.
What this perspective lacks is the reality of the present moment.
What makes you think you’ll be happy with a future NOW if you can’t be happy in the current NOW?
Life is inherently messy and complicated.
Notice the beliefs you have about wishing for an easier future. For example, do you find yourself having thoughts like, “It shouldn’t be this hard”; “I must be doing it wrong”; “Other people seem to be having an easier time”; or, “when this problem is fixed then I’ll be happy.”
What if this problem, or this hard time is exactly what is leading you on a path of change and growth?
What if this terrible job is exactly what will help you appreciate what a great job looks like.
What if the trauma healing you are doing now sets you up for greater empathy for others.
What if learning to assert your desires helps you get what you want in ways that people pleasing never will?
There are no short cuts on the path of healing. And no short cuts to greater relationships without leaning into your own blindspots and growing edges.
The process of growth unfolds in the present, moment by moment.
When we realize that all we have to work with is the present, we can relax a bit and take personal responsibility for our responses to life.
If you need support making changes, I am happy to work alongside you.