Being securely attached in relationships means that your nervous system can handle conflict or relationship differences more easily.
Of course this doesn’t mean people with a secure attachment style don’t have relationship problems. They make mistakes and fail to manage conflict just like anyone else!
They need to learn relationship skills like communicating effectively, managing reactivity, and dealing with conflict.
The difference is how easily they bounce back.
They tend to be more resilient.
How do they do it?
In part, it’s because they have had experiences that taught them to trust and rely on others.
They benefitted from caregivers who cared for them at a minimum ratio of 3 out of 10 times.
As infants or young children, they were supported and attended to when they experienced distress. As babies, they cried and someone responded with love and care.
Not only that, their caregivers mirrored back to them their emotions. This helped them find understanding and coping.
They learned to reach out as needed and to self-soothe as much as they can; both self-reliance and reliance on others.
These early experiences help them feel hopeful and trusting about their relationships.
Securely attached people are comfortable with their needs and communicating those needs to others.
You may have heard about insecure attachment styles, but what does a secure attachment look like?
People with a secure attachment style:
Adapt easily to changes or new information.
Prioritize their relationships.
Handle differences with others and treat them with an attitude of equality.
They don’t avoid conflict because it isn’t overwhelming. When there are problems to resolve, they feel discomfort, yet they tolerate it. They realize that the relationship will function better if problems are addressed with an attitude of mutual respect.
Feel hopeful about their relationships.
Their sense of self doesn’t change based on their relationship status. While they may prefer being in a romantic relationship, being single doesn’t change how they feel about themselves.
They have a strong sense of personal boundaries. For example, they don’t take other people’s moods personally. If someone is upset, they understand that something must be happening for them. They don’t hyper-focus on the other person’s mood. They don’t feel a strong need to get the person to change their mood or suppress their feelings. And, they don’t feel a strong urge to get away from the negative mood. Another person’s mood doesn’t cause them stress. They stay emotionally regulated despite the energy or moods of those around them.
Likewise, they feel empathy for others while not getting overwhelmed by it. They have a clear sense of “what is your stuff” and “what is my stuff”.
They enjoy and gain strength from their relationships.They describe people in a balanced way; knowing that no one is either all good or all bad. They know that people can have good intentions and still harm another and need to apologize.
They feel confident about handling the complexity of relationships.
Think clearly (their nervous system isn’t easily stressed by interactions with others).
Circle back for repair when there has been an injury to the relationship.
For them, being with others is mostly smooth and enjoyable.
While this description may seem idealized, people with a secure attachment style still have to deal with relationship difficulties.
People may not care about your feelings or prioritize you. Relationships have their ups and downs. In this case, someone with a secure attachment style would be more likely to deal with those problems in adaptive and mature ways. This might mean letting go of relationships that do not serve them.
With interpersonal problems, having a secure internal base means you know how to self-validate and choose your responses consciously instead of reacting out of insecure subconscious processes.
If you need support making changes stick, I am happy to work alongside you.