When you first got together with your partner, what kind of life did you imagine you would create together?
Were there hopes for adventure? Or a desire for stability? Did you imagine starting a family or blending 2 households?
What projects or activities did you consider doing together?
Take a moment to remember that time…don’t rush past this… breathe into it and let yourself stay there.
What images come up?
Can you feel the excitement and hope that existed then?
Perhaps that time now seems far away as you navigate current challenges.
Life has a way of reminding us that we aren’t in control of everything.
Often clients will tell me they love their partner but aren’t in love with them anymore.
Or they tell me that the current version of their partner reminds them too much of their controlling/abusive/dismissive/absent… parent.
Consider this thought:
The problems that consume your thoughts now will be replaced by other ones in the future.
Amid the inevitability of challenges, how can you construct a positive vision of the future with your partner?
Now consider what attitudes may be getting in the way of creating this vision.
You might believe your partner is too selfish to care about your feelings.
Or you may have had experiences with them that led you to believe they more often prioritize themselves instead of you.
Perhaps you believe: “keep your expectations low so you won’t be disappointed”; “my partner will laugh at my dreams and I can’t tolerate that”;
Standing toe to toe with your partner looks like asking for what you want; not demanding, and not complaining or whining.
Asserting your desires, sharing your vision.
Doing this takes courage and vulnerability.
It also requires you to make space for their differing view.
You want them to hear you out? Hear them out too.
How can you do this?
Go to a place of curiosity with your partner. Ask questions like you would if you were a reporter on an interesting story. Your questions wouldn’t be accusations and you wouldn’t mock them for their perspective. Limiting your reactivity (facial gestures like rolling your eyes, making harumph-like noises, or frankly starting to argue) will help your partner want to share.
Now the real magic is asking yourself, “what can I do to help my partner be successful (in giving me what I’m asking for)? For example, if you want your partner to take accountability when he makes a mistake, you may need to manage your reactivity. If your partner tends to be reluctant to share their thoughts of emotions, allow silence instead of jumping in with your perspective.
When it comes down to it, what would you like to create with your partner?
If you need support making changes stick, I am happy to work alongside you.