Of course people want to thrive in relationships.
And we all want to have people in our lives who are happy with us.
We want to have people we can rely on and who can rely on us.
This way of being is possible AND it’s unlikely to happen unless you have boundaries.
Do you notice that some people seem to have a good balance of time alone and time with others?
Perhaps they seem to say no to what they don’t want and yes to what they do.
They might make it look…easy!!
Setting boundaries is mental and emotional work that will pay off in your relationships.
It helps you to protect yourself from living your life in a way that keeps others happy at your expense.
Boundaries can protect you from feeling angry and resentful.
Boundaries also help prevent you from being taken advantage of or manipulated.
Why are boundaries difficult to set or enforce?
Cultural, societal, religious, or family influences. These influences are like the air we breathe - often we don’t see it because it’s so unquestioned and familiar. It can be things like expectations of “keeping the peace”, or “you know how mom is…”, or “don’t be selfish”. Creating boundaries can feel self-centred and may bring up feelings of guilt. For example, I hear many clients tell me that they would prefer talking to their parents about once a week on the phone. Instead, they feel guilt tripped into daily conversations that eat up their time and feel annoying because there really is nothing important to discuss. Yet, do they say “hey mom/dad, I’d like to talk once a week so we have more to talk about”? Usually no - they tell me their parent would give them a guilt trip about moving away from “home” and leaving them to suffer their absence. This guilt trip usually centres around the assumption that the parent’s loneliness is a problem for the adult child to solve (as thought the parent can’t figure out how to resolve their feelings of loneliness). Treating your parent with equality in this case would look like offering them respect to handle their own emotions, thoughts, and behaviours. A quick side note about guilt - I think of guilt as a useful emotion that signals that we have intentionally done harm to another. If that’s the case, take accountability for it, apologize, and make it right. Or, you might have someone in your life who acts small and helpless, never asking how you are doing, but expecting emotional caretaking from you. Or, you might have someone in your life who intrudes with criticism and judgement, giving you advice when you haven’t asked for it. These moves are not done from a place of equality and respect. Boundaries will help.
People Pleasing. Some of us desperately want others to validate our feelings, and tell us how great we are. For example, you might be the employee who never calls in sick even though you suffer through illness and keep pushing through it. This self-sacrifice may give you feelings of pride but then, when your coworker calls in sick, you might feel resentful that you’re stuck with a heavier load. Or, you might even find yourself doing things for other people and then feel resentful when they don’t return the favour. For example, you watch your friend’s child when they go out of town, but they know you’ll never ask them to return the favour because you have family that will do it. Additionally, you may notice that you like the feeling of “needing to be needed”. It feels good to help people, but if it’s one sided, it may signal a lack of boundaries. Friendship involves mutuality - give and take. It’s easy to feel trapped in a cycle of rescuing or saving the people in your life from their problems. Unfortunately, in this system you aren’t allowed to have needs.
Difficulty with conflict. Many of us don’t enjoy conflict. When you have a different view from another person, you may risk rejection or a big reaction on their part. You may have painful experiences that taught you to avoid conflict at all costs. Unfortunately, avoiding conflict will not get you a full life engaging with others. Relationships are made up of people with different views, experiences, and opinions. Being able to hold onto your sense of self or your viewpoint or desires, will require some degree of being able to tolerate conflict. If you struggle with conflict, you’ll be more likely to let other people have their way. This approach undermines your desire for something different and will lead to resentment.
Low self-worth. If you have a low view of yourself, or constantly replay the ways in which you are a failure, it will be difficult to assert your position or viewpoint. You may feel unworthy and therefore deserving of unfair treatment by others. You might find yourself doing favours for them even though you don’t want to spend your time that way. When they treat you badly, you excuse their behaviour because deep down you agree with them. You may have had experiences where you were told your feelings were ridiculous or “too much”. You might find yourself oversharing; or, assuming you know how others feel without checking out your assumptions with them.
Lack of self-differentiation. If you aren’t even sure what you want, you may look to others to define your wants and needs. This orientation muddies the waters. Developing a greater sense of what your values are, as well as your needs and wants will help you define the boundaries that will serve you.
People pleasing. When you have a strong urge to keep others happy with you, it can be difficult to set boundaries. This fear of rejection feeds into a pattern of neglecting yourself and prioritizing others. For example, someone takes an item without your permission. How do you handle that? Or perhaps you refuse to hear “no” from others and continue doing what you want instead. There may be times when relationships need to end, such as when there is abuse or when a relationship becomes toxic. If you fear rejection or the loss of any relationship, you may continue in an unhealthy relationship to avoid being alone.
Assertiveness training. Assertiveness skills are tools you can use to ask for what you want. On the spectrum of asking, you might see aggression on one end and passivity on the other. Assertiveness is right in the middle. These skills help you communicate your wants, needs, and limits with an attitude of equality and respect.
Trauma. If you are someone who has experienced significant trauma, you may have all of these characteristics that make enforcing boundaries difficult. It might feel unsafe to speak up, or you may have unrealistic expectations in setting or exploring boundaries.
Let’s continue this conversation - we started with an exploration of why setting boundaries can be difficult. Later we’ll look at how to use them to your advantage.