Labels like passive aggression get thrown around a lot.
What does it actually look like?
How do you know if that’s the dance in your relationship?
The passive aggressive partner organizes their life around what they don’t want instead of what they do want. It’s a pattern of resisting the demands of others.
They may come across resistant or oppositional.
This resistance shows up in social relationships, work performance, and marriage.
They may have grown up in families where they were blamed and criticized to the point where they felt helpless and gave up, or stopped trying so hard.
They often had fathers who were very critical and not involved.
In contrast, they may have had a mother who was protective and treated them like they could do no wrong.
PA partners will do things like:
Break agreements in the relationship and then complain that their partner is too demanding. (Notice that the focus is not on their own behaviour - they broke an agreement).
Procrastinate.
Do a bad job at something so that they won’t be asked to do it again (instead of saying no).
They might avoid obligations and claim they “forgot”. They might say they wanted to do it but it slipped their mind.
They tend to be hyper-sensitive to criticism.
They don’t like hearing suggestions about how they could do a better job; the response usually includes “yes-buts”.
They resist being known.
They rarely look forward to things; they expect to be disappointed.
They don’t do what they say they’ll do and come up with excuses that focus on the other person being unreasonable.
For example, your spouse says they’ll prepare dinner on the day you work late. You get home and they’re relaxing on the couch with a bag of chips. No dinner made. When you ask about it, they respond, “you’re always on my case, can’t I just relax for a few minutes before getting to it?”
What to do?
This presents a dilemma.
If the spouse brings up the problem, they are a ‘nag’ and if they don’t bring it up, the behaviour continues. Do you start making dinner? You are hungry after all. Do you wait to see if they’re going to follow through?
Partners of passive aggressive people share this trait:
Over-functioning
People who over-function are those who feel responsibility for getting things done.
They tend to be hard working and reliable. They take charge and don’t wait to be asked.
They may have been trained in childhood to take on more responsibility than was age appropriate.
They may have learned not to rely on others.
One thing lacking from this way of living is that they are neglecting themselves in important ways.
If there is no rest until all the tasks are done, this person may seem overly busy or stressed.
Paired with someone who doesn’t relate to the world this way, they can be taken advantage of or taken for granted.
People who over-function usually get resentful.
Getting out of being passive aggressive:
It sounds easy and it can be but it requires incredible follow through!!
1. Promise less and deliver more.
2. Take the initiative.
3. Take the load off your partner (over functioning partners struggle to relax and be cared for).
4. Nurture them.
5. Do things that convey appreciation and love.
If you are the over functioning partner, here are some next steps:
Give your partner lots of positive reinforcement for the changes they are making.
Stop yourself from micro managing your partner. Let them help out in their own way - even when you have ideas about how it would be more efficient.
If you need support navigating difficulties in your relationships, reach out!
If you would like to read more, check out the book Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man by Wetzler (2011).